North to the Future!

Scored a sweet gig with Atlantic Monthly doing a think piece on some whack-os living in igloos or something. Anyhoo, I'm off to Alaska. I'll keep things updated here.

Shit-cago, Illinois

As of today, I would like to announce a break down in the cease fire between me and the city of Chicago. Tensions began to rise when they required me to sign up for their exams before I interviewed with the Shitcago Fellows in order to secure a test date that would deliver my scores on time. Tensions rose again when I was told that I would not know whether I was accepted to the program before I had to take the exams. Negotiations broke down today when I found that it is too late to cancel my registration for the exams, or to receive a refund, now that I am no longer interested in the program. Those self-righteous jerks just screwed me out of $150 US American Greenbacks. This means war!

Hang in there, Ross!

The Ryan Adams concert was classic, epic really. Everything sounded
great, and he played a bunch of good songs blah blah blah. The
fantastic part was the rest of the show. My so called "Pre-sale WTTS
FM exclusive" seats were HORRIBLE, way in the back, underneath the
balcony. I'll skip that mess next time. He showed up 30 minutes late
because he was shopping at the mall and didn't realize he had to set
his watch to Indiana time. Nevertheless, he was in true diva form.

He complained the whole time about how the monitors in his ears
sounded strange. He took forever between songs tuning and re-tuning
guitars. At one point he just screamed and then yelled 'Fuck! Robin!
(a roadie, I guess) Can I have my shoes please?' which I guess he
"needed" for the next song. All of this encouraged the audience to
start yelling out requests. That led to onstage rants by Ryan about
how yelling out the name of the song you want to hear "guarantees"
that it will not be played. Everything culminated in the second set
after someone screamed "COME PICK ME UP!" from the balcony. He just
went off on some sort of raisin cake mystical pony ride where this was
like that part of the relationship right after "we just broke up, and
we have to be civil", and the ear monitors were "modulating and
re-modulating all the heckling and requests to sound like 'Ryan you
look very handsome today!' which makes me feel bad about myself and
then pretty much makes the next song great because I'm in the right
fucked up mood. It's complete 'reverse technology'."

Fan near the stage: "REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY!"

Ryan: "Right, reverse technology. Like at the store in the mall with
the medicine pillows. You know, the pillows that have medicine in
them and they go around your neck. At that store they have all the
reverse technology."

Fan in the balcony: "BROOKSTONE!"

Ryan: (making fun of the guy's voice) "COME PICK ME UP!" Dude, when
you watch Titanic...When you watch Titanic for the second time, do you
like yell at the ship "DON'T SINK!"

(Think about that ellipsis for a second. It's subtle, but that's the
funniest ellipsis I think I've ever used. - Ed.)

Ryan, continuing: "Fuck me for trying to put a set-list together
that's beautiful and awesome. COME PICK ME UP! When you sit and
watch Friends do you yell at the screen, 'ROSS! DON"T GET MARRIED!
RACHEL STILL LIKES YOU! YOU'RE GONNA MARRY HER IN THE LAST SEASON!'?

Then he just lays down this hardcore punk riff and starts yelling
"Hang in there, Ross! She's still into you!"

Ryan: "That song's called 'Hang in there Ross' and it's for that
douche in the balcony. (Turns to guitarist) Hey, what songs should we do for the speed set?"

I loved every minute of it.